Caregivers of Older Adults

The Lenten season always reminds me of being very young and knowing that I had to give up something I absolutely loved to eat or drink for those long forty days.   It also seemed the more I thought about it, the more deprived I felt and the more I found ways to sneak off with a piece of my favorite chocolate.  Thankfully as I grew in both age and wisdom, I realized that Lent was really a time for introspection – an opportunity to look within and make personal commitments to change, if only for a few weeks.  While we can certainly make those vows to change anytime in our lives; this particular time offers us the prospect of looking at transforming our lives in a different way and perhaps making it a lasting change.

By William R. Henry, Jr.

Huh? If this question surfaces frequently from a spouse, parent or friend even before you’ve finished the sentence, it may be time for a hearing aid. Accepting the reality that one may need a hearing aid is a sensitive issue and can often lead to years of frustration. The National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders (NIDCD) estimates that “one in three people between the ages of 65 and 74 has hearing loss and nearly half of those older than 75 have difficulty hearing.” The quote “Getting old isn’t for sissies” attributed to the late actress Bette Davis, sure hits the nail on the head when it comes to the loss of hearing. Not being able to hear can make it hard to understand and follow a doctor’s advice, to respond to doorbells or alarms, and also very difficult to enjoy a nice conversation with friends and family making it frustrating and embarrassing.

Women’s handbags can often make or break an outfit and no matter if the style was a jeweled encrusted tote or the latest trendy clutch; my mom never gave up on her “bigger than a bread basket” satchel. She may have given up on the high heeled shoes years earlier, but it was that massive purse we could always count on as kids when we had an emergency or needed extra bobby pins, our favorite toy, or a snack that we knew exactly where to find it. At 91 – mom has little need for so much stuff in her purse other than her wallet, house keys and a good supply of tissues, but nonetheless, the size of her purse has not diminished. It becomes quite challenging to manage not only her cumbersome purse, but her cane as well as very often holding on to a grocery cart – too many items to keep track of while shopping.

Change is hard for everyone, but I believe it’s especially difficult as we get older and very often find comfort in the familiar and reliable; the things we’ve become accustomed to over the years and in particular those time-honored traditions from our childhood.  So is the case with my very “only one way works” 91 year old mother.  Now I have to admit, there are some changes that are definitely more challenging than others.   For instance – she usually won’t turn up her nose at tasting a new recipe or even resist the new iPad her great-grandson insisted she try, but don’t mess with the votive candles she lights religiously every month at church.  

Watching my mom take out her long plastic compartmentalized pill box with numerous multicolored pills in a variety of shapes and sizes as she prepares to take her daily dose, I often worry that she may be on too many drugs.  With the various doctors she sees and the different drugs they each prescribe, what are the risks of drug interactions or being overmedicated?

I was reminded of this quote by a co-worker whose wife recently gave birth to twin daughters as he walked into the office each morning a bit groggily, “But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep,” by Robert Frost.  Anyone who’s had the experience of being a new parent certainly knows that feeling of never being able to get enough sleep at night– at least for the first few months or perhaps years!  Sleep changes with age and as I gently cautioned my co-worker that as his daughters grew into adolescents, not only would their sleep patterns vary, but certainly his would too – especially if his kids were out late on a date some evenings!

In South Texas we’re pretty accustomed to 100 degree weather in the summer, but winters’ occasional freezes, icy roads and temperatures in the mid-twenties cause all kinds of havoc.  Much to the delight of children and probably teachers, school closings are common, along with a record number of car accidents and that’s without a trace of snow on the ground. But it may also be those dark dreary days of winter that can sometimes cause the elderly and may be even their caregivers to feel depressed or just out of sorts. Perhaps it’s just a matter of becoming resilient to our particular circumstances that helps all of us withstand the test of whatever challenges we deal with on a regular basis. 

A mother-daughter relationship can be quite complex.  Beatrice was not the oldest in her family, she wasn’t the closest to her parents nor was she particularly fond of her mother, with whom she had always struggled to find a connection.  But now her mom was widowed, in her late eighties and in need of assistance due to severe health issues.  When her older sister called to let her know their mom could no longer live alone and would need someone to stay with her, and asked her to consider being the caregiver, Beatrice was stunned!  Could she do it?  Would this possibly be an opportunity to finally make things right with her mom?  Was it too late for that relationship she had always wanted?  As these questions all swirled around in her head, she decided with much trepidation to plunge into the role of cargiver feeling this might be her last chance to make up for all the lost years of being estranged from her mother.

One of my highlights of 2013 was attending my 50th high school class reunion.  It was a wonderful occasion and something I had looked forward to for months.  The weekend turned out to be everything I had hoped it would be, I had such a great time reminiscing with my old classmates and reconnecting with so many of my old friends.  I had never given it much thought before but when I was telling my 91 year old mother about the great time I had at the reunion, it hit me that she no longer has friends or even close relatives with whom she could reminisce.  Although mom wasn’t one to be much of a joiner in her younger days, she didn’t even attend PTA meetings when we were in school or go to many school or church events, her entire focus seemed to be her family.  Nonetheless, we had a big family – lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and great neighbors, but all those in her age group are now gone.  While thankfully her memory is as sharp as a tack; sometimes it’s difficult for her to share those great stories that evoke joyful or even heartbreaking memories with a generation that can patiently only sit and listen but not relate.