How often do we see someone in a wheelchair or in a hospital or nursing home and not even notice or acknowledge the caregiver close by? On a recent Twitter Chat, the topic of discussion was loneliness among seniors and family caregivers. The conversation lit up with comments from professional as well as family caregivers and their responses were often times heart breaking:
As you place your hand on the doorknob to enter a room do you ever stop to think about what you might encounter on the other side of that door? What will you find or experience as you step over the threshold? Anytime we are about to walk into a room what waits for us on the other side of the door may be an expected scene or perhaps something so surprising and unanticipated that it may change our life or the life of someone else! As caregivers, regardless of whether we are caring for someone in our home, a nursing home, hospital or hospice, we probably experience these moments of not knowing what to expect each and every time we walk through the door to extend care for our patient or loved one. Learning ways to cope with what often times is unexpected is an important aspect of caregiving.
Women’s handbags can often make or break an outfit and no matter if the style was a jeweled encrusted tote or the latest trendy clutch; my mom never gave up on her “bigger than a bread basket” satchel. She may have given up on the high heeled shoes years earlier, but it was that massive purse we could always count on as kids when we had an emergency or needed extra bobby pins, our favorite toy, or a snack that we knew exactly where to find it. At 91 – mom has little need for so much stuff in her purse other than her wallet, house keys and a good supply of tissues, but nonetheless, the size of her purse has not diminished. It becomes quite challenging to manage not only her cumbersome purse, but her cane as well as very often holding on to a grocery cart – too many items to keep track of while shopping.
In South Texas, we’re pretty accustomed to 100-degree weather in the summer, but winters’ occasional freezes, icy roads, and temperatures in the mid-twenties cause all kinds of havoc. Much to the delight of children and probably teachers, school closings are common, along with a record number of car accidents and that’s without a trace of snow on the ground. But it may also be those dark dreary days of winter that can sometimes cause the elderly and may be even their caregivers to feel depressed or just out of sorts. Perhaps it’s just a matter of becoming resilient to our particular circumstances that helps all of us withstand the test of whatever challenges we deal with on a regular basis.
A mother-daughter relationship can be quite complex. Beatrice was not the oldest in her family, she wasn’t the closest to her parents nor was she particularly fond of her mother, with whom she had always struggled to find a connection. But now her mom was widowed, in her late eighties and in need of assistance due to severe health issues. When her older sister called to let her know their mom could no longer live alone and would need someone to stay with her, and asked her to consider being the caregiver, Beatrice was stunned! Could she do it? Would this possibly be an opportunity to finally make things right with her mom? Was it too late for that relationship she had always wanted? As these questions all swirled around in her head, she decided with much trepidation to plunge into the role of caregiver feeling this might be her last chance to make up for all the lost years of being estranged from her mother.
One of my highlights of 2013 was attending my 50th high school class reunion. It was a wonderful occasion and something I had looked forward to for months. The weekend turned out to be everything I had hoped it would be, I had such a great time reminiscing with my old classmates and reconnecting with so many of my old friends. I had never given it much thought before but when I was telling my 91 year old mother about the great time I had at the reunion, it hit me that she no longer has friends or even close relatives with whom she could reminisce. Although mom wasn’t one to be much of a joiner in her younger days, she didn’t even attend PTA meetings when we were in school or go to many school or church events, her entire focus seemed to be her family. Nonetheless, we had a big family – lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and great neighbors, but all those in her age group are now gone. While thankfully her memory is as sharp as a tack; sometimes it’s difficult for her to share those great stories that evoke joyful or even heartbreaking memories with a generation that can patiently only sit and listen but not relate.
It’s the beginning of a new year and everyone out there is giving advice, making resolutions and gearing up for whatever 2014 has in store for them. If you’re a caregiver, whether one who has been in the trenches for many years or perhaps one who is just starting out, there is certainly one very important thing to keep in mind – you cannot do it alone. You need support in many different ways. It could be that your support comes from other family members, friends, siblings, neighbors or hired help – however and whoever is providing this support – you will need it before you realize you need it! For many caregivers, accepting or being recruited into this role often comes with lots of commentary, such as, “Oh you can do it, how hard can it be?” or “You’re really the one best prepared to do this” and perhaps, “Mom, really loves you best, so it certainly makes sense that you care for her.” Unfortunately, what it doesn’t come with is much training or real “hands-on” assistance.
There are certainly many different avenues available to assist the caregiver, due to the surge of baby boomers caring for elderly parents, spouses or needing to be cared for themselves; but it can still be difficult to navigate the multitude of resources.
