Caregivers of Older Adults Blog | Caregiver Info (20)

As a young child I have vivid memories of my grandmother who had been paralyzed from a stroke sitting up in her bed and digging in her little coin purse to give us money for the ice cream vendor as he made the rounds in our neighborhood.  My mother was the youngest of five siblings and had taken on the role of caregiver.  My older brothers and me thought it was great especially whenever we were in trouble, her bed was a great hiding place and she forgave all our antics with a kiss and a few pennies for ice cream!  Throughout her life mom not only cared for her mother, but her father-in-law, an uncle and an elderly neighbor; yet she never considered herself a caregiver, that was just what families did for one another. 

A good friend who is a hospice chaplain has shared how difficult it is to be at the bedside of someone who is at the end of their life and to have the family in complete isolation from one another. We’ve all heard the stories of siblings, parents, partners or others bickering and inflicting blame on one another due to past disagreements regarding relationships, finances, property or any number of reasons. What the chaplain finds most disconcerting is the lack of regard for the person approaching death, and the inability to allow for forgiveness especially at a time when there should be a softening of the heart. Unfortunately many times emotions and memories are often choked by the struggles and resentments of the past.

My dear friend, Vivian, has been caring for her father for nearly fifteen years now. Recently her father had a tragic fall that left him with severe injuries. Vivian continues alongside her father in what may well be the remaining days of his life. As a good friend and fellow caregiver of my own mother, I want to support her but also feel the grip of fear that I may be in her shoes someday soon.

We often hear that one way to keep our brains sharp is to learn new skills.  Learning new words and their meaning certainly falls in that category.  The word “Grok” was actually coined by Robert A. Heiniein for his 1961 science-fiction novel, Stranger in a Strange Land.  The Oxford English Dictionary defines to grok as “to understand intuitively or by empathy; to establish rapport with” and “to empathize or communicate sympathetically (with); also, to experience enjoyment”.  Now that undoubtedly sounds like family caregiving!

There is certainly a new awareness in our communities about caregivers. Recently there was an advertisement on the internet promoting greeting cards to send to caregivers and the front of one card read: “Caregivers are often the casualties, the hidden victims. No one sees the sacrifices they make.” Much like other social issues that have come to light over the last few decades, caregiving of older adults is reaching a higher level of prominence, especially with the growing statistics of boomers needing care. The two words that stood out in the message on the card were “casualties” and “victims” – perhaps because they make caregiving sound like a war zone. Is that what caring for our elderly parents or spouses has become? 

While I must agree, especially since helping care for my 92-year-old mother, caregiving can be a very stressful and oftentimes a thankless job that leads to frustration and anxiety. Nonetheless it is all the more reason for the caregivers to set boundaries and make the time to care for themselves through respite, meditation, or whatever way best meets their needs so as not to become casualties or victims in their caregiving role. This great quote from an anonymous source speaks so well to caregivers, “Don’t forget that you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.”

The kids walked by her apartment twice a day. She sat by the window every morning watching; remembering and sometimes wishing they might stop by some day. Every afternoon they would parade down the sidewalk again and every once in a while one of them would glance over to the window where she sat and perhaps offer a slight smile or wave. The kids never really thought much about the old woman in apartment 21; they just strolled by. 

“Dottie, mom needs tissues” – that’s all her brother Jim said, but it was enough to take her over the breaking point!  After calming down, Dottie wondered why this simple phone call from her brother almost brought her to tears. It wasn’t the request from her brother; it wasn’t even the idea that Jim could have very easily requested the box of tissues from the clerk at the nursing home where her mother had been living now for several years. It was the realization that she had now become "the caregiver" - the one that everyone else relied on to make sure her 95-year-old mother was properly cared for. With several other siblings in the picture, nevertheless, it was Dottie who took on the responsibilities of checking on her mom almost daily making sure she was eating, scheduling meetings with the doctors, nurses and social workers.  It was a role that weighed heavily on her.

After putting in her eight-plus hours at work every weekday, when Sandy heads home at 5:00 her work day is not over, it only begins again when she walks in the door at home. Sandy, like many others, has a second job. Sandy is a caregiver for her aging mom. One thing that Sandy has not done is tell her employer or even many of her co-workers that her second job, caregiving, is often overwhelming! Caregivers are often reluctant to confide in their employers about their added responsibilities because they may be concerned with job security. Perhaps one of the most common reasons caregivers don’t share this information is because they don’t see it as doing something out of the ordinary. They are doing what is expected of them or just giving back to their parents. According to a webinar series provided by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) entitled, Better Work, Better Care: How Employers Can Support Family Caregiving, Sandy is among the 75% of caregivers of the 44 million unpaid caregivers who are also employed. The employee caregivers also may have to make work accommodations due to caregiving duties which could include turning down a promotion, arriving late or leaving early for work or even quitting a job or taking early retirement; all of which have a huge impact on a caregivers’ economic status.

May is the month designated to celebrate Older Americans and we’re reminded of getting older when we see the celebrities on the cover of the AARP magazine getting younger and younger with each issue. At what point do we become “older” and perhaps feel we’ve just gone over the proverbial hill? AARP has become the standard-bearer for determining the age to become old officially at 50 by sending an invitation to join the ranks of everyone 50 and older! Not so fast, AARP also reported on a Canadian study showing that “our cognitive-motor skills – meaning the speed at which we process something and then react to it – peak by age 24, then begin to diminish slowly.”  Now speed certainly isn’t everything – anyone over 50 can tell you that! What some older folks may lack in speed, they can certainly make up for in strategy, efficiency and pulling from years of experience and knowledge skills.

At a time when our youth-oriented culture encourages all to cling tightly to our fast-fading youth, when is the time to truly embrace our age and revel in the well deserved time of honoring and accepting with full gratitude the time we have left? Often we get so caught up in the past and wanting to recapture or reclaim the springtime of our lives without recognizing the many blessings of the present and the years still ahead. In her book, The Gift of Years, author Joan Chittister writes in a chapter about aging and letting go, “A burden of these years is the temptation to cling to the times and things behind us rather than move to the liberating moments ahead.”

If you’ve read some of the previous Chronicles of Caregiving blogs, you may have read the latest one about my mom and her parrot, Panchita, who had been a member of the family for nearly 20 years.  Although Panchita could be quite annoying, at least to those of us who were not particularly fond of all her squawking noises and her particularities about the food she liked, nonetheless, she was a great companion for mom. Interestingly enough, it was just a few days after the blog was posted that mom called and sounding quite distressed informed me Panchita was gone – she had flown away.  In all the years mom had cared for Panchita she had always been so careful about taking her out to clean her cage or to have her perch on her shoulder for some special bonding time; the parrot stayed close to her cage. Coincidently a few weeks prior to Panchita’s final escape, mom had acquired a new pet, Benji, a tiny Yorkie with a dazzling personality. I could not help but think that perhaps Panchita may have felt a sting of jealously over the attention mom was now giving to her new dog.  After all, Panchita had been the sole recipient of all her attention for an awfully long time!