Caregivers of Older Adults Blog | Elder Care Issues (8)

As a young child I have vivid memories of my grandmother who had been paralyzed from a stroke sitting up in her bed and digging in her little coin purse to give us money for the ice cream vendor as he made the rounds in our neighborhood.  My mother was the youngest of five siblings and had taken on the role of caregiver.  My older brothers and me thought it was great especially whenever we were in trouble, her bed was a great hiding place and she forgave all our antics with a kiss and a few pennies for ice cream!  Throughout her life mom not only cared for her mother, but her father-in-law, an uncle and an elderly neighbor; yet she never considered herself a caregiver, that was just what families did for one another. 

My dear friend, Vivian, has been caring for her father for nearly fifteen years now. Recently her father had a tragic fall that left him with severe injuries. Vivian continues alongside her father in what may well be the remaining days of his life. As a good friend and fellow caregiver of my own mother, I want to support her but also feel the grip of fear that I may be in her shoes someday soon.

After putting in her eight-plus hours at work every weekday, when Sandy heads home at 5:00 her work day is not over, it only begins again when she walks in the door at home. Sandy, like many others, has a second job. Sandy is a caregiver for her aging mom. One thing that Sandy has not done is tell her employer or even many of her co-workers that her second job, caregiving, is often overwhelming! Caregivers are often reluctant to confide in their employers about their added responsibilities because they may be concerned with job security. Perhaps one of the most common reasons caregivers don’t share this information is because they don’t see it as doing something out of the ordinary. They are doing what is expected of them or just giving back to their parents. According to a webinar series provided by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) entitled, Better Work, Better Care: How Employers Can Support Family Caregiving, Sandy is among the 75% of caregivers of the 44 million unpaid caregivers who are also employed. The employee caregivers also may have to make work accommodations due to caregiving duties which could include turning down a promotion, arriving late or leaving early for work or even quitting a job or taking early retirement; all of which have a huge impact on a caregivers’ economic status.

May is the month designated to celebrate Older Americans and we’re reminded of getting older when we see the celebrities on the cover of the AARP magazine getting younger and younger with each issue. At what point do we become “older” and perhaps feel we’ve just gone over the proverbial hill? AARP has become the standard-bearer for determining the age to become old officially at 50 by sending an invitation to join the ranks of everyone 50 and older! Not so fast, AARP also reported on a Canadian study showing that “our cognitive-motor skills – meaning the speed at which we process something and then react to it – peak by age 24, then begin to diminish slowly.”  Now speed certainly isn’t everything – anyone over 50 can tell you that! What some older folks may lack in speed, they can certainly make up for in strategy, efficiency and pulling from years of experience and knowledge skills.

At a time when our youth-oriented culture encourages all to cling tightly to our fast-fading youth, when is the time to truly embrace our age and revel in the well deserved time of honoring and accepting with full gratitude the time we have left? Often we get so caught up in the past and wanting to recapture or reclaim the springtime of our lives without recognizing the many blessings of the present and the years still ahead. In her book, The Gift of Years, author Joan Chittister writes in a chapter about aging and letting go, “A burden of these years is the temptation to cling to the times and things behind us rather than move to the liberating moments ahead.”

If you’ve read some of the previous Chronicles of Caregiving blogs, you may have read the latest one about my mom and her parrot, Panchita, who had been a member of the family for nearly 20 years.  Although Panchita could be quite annoying, at least to those of us who were not particularly fond of all her squawking noises and her particularities about the food she liked, nonetheless, she was a great companion for mom. Interestingly enough, it was just a few days after the blog was posted that mom called and sounding quite distressed informed me Panchita was gone – she had flown away.  In all the years mom had cared for Panchita she had always been so careful about taking her out to clean her cage or to have her perch on her shoulder for some special bonding time; the parrot stayed close to her cage. Coincidently a few weeks prior to Panchita’s final escape, mom had acquired a new pet, Benji, a tiny Yorkie with a dazzling personality. I could not help but think that perhaps Panchita may have felt a sting of jealously over the attention mom was now giving to her new dog.  After all, Panchita had been the sole recipient of all her attention for an awfully long time!

As a caregiver, you may be so overwhelmed with caring for your aging parents, a spouse or perhaps a sibling that you have not given any thought to who will care for you when you get to the point of needing assistance. You’re certainly not alone! According to a Pew Research Center study on Views on End-of-Life Medical Treatments, “…fully a quarter of adults (27%) say they have not given very much thought or have given no thought at all to how they would like doctors and other medical professionals to handle their medical treatment at the end of their lives.” Additionally, “one-in-five Americans ages 75 and older (22%) say they have neither written down nor talked with someone about their wishes for medical treatment at the end of their lives.” Keep in mind that this is a culture that plans out every detail of daily life from the time to get up in the morning to the mundane plans of work meetings or exciting vacation excursions, but has made no considerable thought to the inevitable – end of life.

With the many advances in healthcare, people are living longer, healthier lives with a much longer life expectancy than certainly their parents or grandparents. Perhaps that contributes to the idea of putting off making those important decisions. A significant caveat to this way of thinking is that making your end-of-life wishes known is a necessary decision process no matter what your age. Dr. Bernard Hammes, editor of a book, “Having Your Own Say: Getting the Right Care When It Means the Most,” says “while he is especially concerned that people 60 and older make their wishes known to family members and develop a cohesive plan, this should be done by someone who develops a serious illness at any age.”

While the earliest history of Mothers Day dates back to the ancient annual spring festival when the Greeks dedicated this day to maternal goddesses, the history of Mothers Day also goes back to the 1600s in England. This was named Mothering Sunday and it was celebrated annually on the fourth Sunday of Lent to honor mothers. America didn’t get on board until 1908 when Anna Javis first suggested having a national observance of an annual day honoring all mothers because she had loved her mother so much. It actually took an act of congress and in 1914 President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day.

Growing up right in the middle of an older sister, Janie, and Ruth, her younger sister, Joyce never really gave much thought to what that would mean when her parents got older and the expectations that would be placed on her. Busy with her own life, working alongside her husband, Mark, in their family business, it didn’t take long for her to realize that her ailing fathers’ need for caregiving was more than her mother could handle. Always the one to take the initiative in her family, Joyce made visits to her parents several times a week making sure bills were paid, the house was clean, groceries were stocked and when the time came, made the very difficult decision to place her dad in a nursing facility. While this move did lessen the burden on her mother, it also meant that Joyce was now making those weekly visits to both her father in the nursing home and her mother, who was at this point developing some critical health issues of her own, having been diagnosed with early-onset dementia.

Years ago, my mom made a decision to move from my house and go and live with my brother. She had been living with me for many years after my father passed away. But when my brother was suddenly widowed, retired, and living alone, my mom and brother decided that it would be best if mom moved in with him  as he was home during the day and I was still working. That way they could look after each other.